Saturday, July 11, 2009

When the spoon position is never enough.

The scene was set. I’d splashed out and purchased myself a French maids outfit. Forget that I’d spent the entire day cleaning the house in polyester fleece, scraping atrophied weetbix off the lino and ripping a hamstring after treading on a stray piece of Bionicle and falling on the coffee table. No.

I was about to look like a cleaner of an exotic variety (surely no-one cleans dressed like this do they?) After a notable hit of $99.00 to the credit card I had arranged to meet my new friend for a second date in the city.

Arriving early I decided to chew up some time in a sex shop called Twisted Toys. I climbed the floodlit stairs looking like a born again Christian entering an orgy. I approached the shop assistant for help only to discover it was another petrified looking customer, er sorry you look like you work here.

Eyes darting about like an epileptic on Ritalin, I withdrew quickly to the relative comfort of the more familiar vibrator section whilst my perplexed peripheral vision tried to quietly assess the large latex fist beckoning me from its lonely display. The lovely shop keeper approached me with all the care of a sympathetic librarian to a dyslexic child.

She guided me through the pros and cons of each model, the baubles, the knobbles, the rabbit, the conqueror and so on while I had my eye on the time knowing that I was about to enter the dark side, ie be late for an online date. My credit card was swiped to the bejesus and I left feeling slightly fleeced but in a nice way.

Within 15 minutes I was meeting my online friend and thanks to the nature of online profiles these days, was across his vital statistics. I turned the corner of one of Melbourne’s well known lanes to be confronted by my friend. The first thing that struck me was his shirt. Had he ironed it seventy times? He was so immaculately and incredibly pressed and groomed within an inch of his life.

I glanced about myself nervously. Did I have child’s snot on my dress? Were my broken capillaries adequately concealed? Were my chewed to the shizen-housen fingernails going to put him off? And what about my weird toe nail? Being uber aware that the gorgeous twinkling moments of daylight were carving highlights in my crows feet, I was keen to hit some flattering lighting asap so off we went.

My ideal was that he’d book a room in a luxurious hotel, no actually, an entire floor with acres of carpet and miles of rainbow infused bubbles spilling exotically from the pre-filled spa and then the French champagne would be popped – INTERUPTION-
This scene is now being played by deluded single mother in French maids outfit in room the size of three single beds and an echo chamber for a toilet.

We return to transmission. Er, (v) shortly afterwards and after watching a scintillating 30 minutes of cricket on Foxtel in the spoon position, he had to dispatch. Just as well really as I had a bath to run, a few toys to try out and a room to clean (not). Strolling later through the misty city, I popped into a pub to watch the last quarter of one of Richmond’s rare victories for the year, so in my book the night ended up successfully.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Pass me the serviettes.

I met with an online date recently who asked to see my privates. We were sitting in the front seat of his (insert major Telecomms Co.) station wagon – I knew this as it was emblazoned unashamedly on the side. I hesitated for long enough to consider what a humorous proposition it was. Here was I, a middle aged mother of two young children considering flashing the middle aged contents of my frilly knickers, all before the bell had struck for lunch at my son’s primary school.

And yet I felt for this tall, handsome dysfunctional telecommunications worker who had lured me across town for nothing more than to see an extreme ‘what the’ appear across my recently artificially tanned face (I knew I resembled the ginger bread man but I digress) when all he actually wanted to do was to invite me to the fascinating puppet show that was appearing in his lap. It was the car crash I had to watch, I just wasn’t sure whether I’d end up in the wreck.

I’m sorry, why did someone not tell me I had the words ‘please oh please can I sit in the front seat of your car and watch you reconnect with a twitching pubescent bathroom moment’ written across my chest. My sunglasses shielded my transfixed expression while I glanced about at young families, consumed with their ice creams strolling past the car.

At no stage did I feel in danger but sorry later that I didn’t perhaps suggest my friend modify somewhat his first date repartee to include vanilla scented candles and a bunch of flowers. It may also have been polite to advise that said friend save such behaviour for his own time but clearly the point would’ve been lost on him. What the hell did the second date entail, a kiss? Should’ve I had brought along my DS Lite?

Who was I to question why he saved up his kids junior meal deal serviettes, stashed secretly under his seat. I wanted to learn more about my friend. What drove him to this corner of his mind and how many other people were parked there? How weird does it get out there in newby online dating land? And when you get a whole bunch of supposedly sexually explorative people together, is the weirdest one the winner? Is it all failing upwards and once you’ve tried one thing you’re onto another without the blink of an eye?

When in my pre-children twenties and thirties I didn’t have the confidence in my attractively shaped body to enjoy it and as many men and women will testify insecurities can be a massive sexual dampener. Now I’m in my early forties, I haven’t seen my pubes since my last cesarean section, have stretch marks and battle scars that look like I’ve recently recovered from a mild flesh eating disease but have never felt sexier. Not fair is it really?

After twenty years encompassing three stable relationships, I’d been off the dating scene for what felt like an eternity. Getting to know people online has been a fascinating experience and funnily most men I’ve seen have all said they don’t smoke and actually do. Thank goodness I said the same and also was a closet smoker, although we are all trying to stop. I’m learning slowly that my idea of weird, dysfunctional and ‘oh my god are you kidding?’ is slightly outdated. Don’t get me wrong, I’m looking for love, aren’t we all? But my curiosity towards the weird, which possibly isn’t actually weird depending on who you are, has been thumped awake.
Photo Crimes in Online Profiles

It started off as an innocent peek behind the online curtains and suddenly I find myself a member of multiple online adult dating sites. From what I have figured behind my cloak and dagger, ‘members only, ask me first in case my nephew sees me photo’, it’s a very crowded curtain.

As a single parent of two young children, getting out and meeting people of the opposite sex is nigh on impossible. Trawling bars is now cost prohibitive, add on the cost of a taxi, the baby-sitter and possibly ending in a middle aged pash complete with detailed explanations of stretch marks, scars left over from major surgery and how you came to be single.

Every night with the kids tucked safely into bed, my mind implores me to paint, read, write, save the world, sponsor a child but no, I am vacuumed towards my sordid online inbox which I check too often to be healthy. I find myself staring at rather graphic images of people I’ve never met and whose body parts strike poses I didn’t know possible.

After viewing many dozens of men advertising their wares, I’ve got a pretty good heads up (pardon the pun) on what may help increase the odds of meeting a woman online or at least improving the chances of a positive response. Here goes;

Décor. Remove all visual reminders of the 80s. Any apricot leather couches or vertical blinds in the background of your photo should be removed immediately. If you must take your photo with a shoe rack in the background, remove any sign of moccasin, boat shoe and anything grey with Velcro or zips.

Recent Images. If you have lost more than 50% of your hair since you last uploaded your image, it would be fair to update it. Same goes if your weight has ballooned, you’ve gone grey or you’ve had an outbreak of psorisis.

Badly photoshopped ex partners. Leaving part of an arm around your shoulder looks unusual as does the fluorescent colouring in of who is clearly an ex girlfriend, wife or stripper. Take the time to take a new photo. No browny points are awarded for reminding people that you were once loved by someone with an enormous perm or four inch nail extensions.

Location. Photos taken in the bathroom mirror may seem like a good idea at the time however please remember to remove the wart cream, tinea powder and if pretending to be single, your partners cosmetics. A large flash obscuring the top half of your body looks like a David Copperfield trick gone wrong.

Under garments. You might think that the bulging red thong or stretched to capacity vaguely transparent underpants look sexy and they probably do in person but go for a nice tight pair of expensive black jocks.

Too much information. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to meet new people, but don’t announce that you are lonely, wanting to meet someone that can look after you, or that you are looking for someone that’s still lactating.

Intimate Photos. The old cliché that you don’t look at the mantle piece when you’re stoking the fire doesn’t quite translate to online dating. People like to know who they’re talking to and appreciate a rather honest depiction. Promoting yourself with a photo below the waist may cause an uncomfortable moment for all when you asked for a photo of your face and then awkwardly rejected for a suspicious reason like, actually I’m busy for the next year. If you do decide to send x rated snaps, best to check with your online dating site that it can’t be downloaded, otherwise next thing you know it’ll be forwarded 50 times from here to Botswana via Guatemala and end up in your ex’s inbox.

Spelling. Spelling errors are surprisingly common and can be a real romance killer. Make sure to avoid the following possibly costly mistakes, the wrong too / to, the wrong your, you’re, the wrong, there / their and definitely don’t use, shure, nakid, or sentences like, I like a lady that can leed me by the hand.

Mysterious background props. Standing in the spare room with a mattress leaning against the wall and some trousers thrown casually over the top poses more questions than it answers. Did you wet the bed? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Poses. Try to hold a confident pose in your photo, holding your hands like an alter boy awaiting confession or auditioning for the part of Kurt Von Trapp singing So Long Farewell doesn’t do much to inspire confidence.

Sunglasses - Loads of men like to wear sunnies in their photos, this is fine but I won’t meet a guy until I’ve seen his eyes. If you do decide to go down the sunnies route, don’t wear the ones that you bought five years ago from a 7/11 or a petrol station for $5.95 and have a pinkish reflector hue.

Attire. Wear a different outfit to your first date to the one you are wearing in your online profile snap. Do you only have one outfit? This isn’t Sunday school, you may need to invest in a few extra going out outfits.

Pet Names. So you haven’t had a date for a while, try not to call a woman gorgeous, spunky, or sexy until you’ve met her. That level of familiarity can be a bit spooky if used too soon. Some women may like it, best to ask first.

Accessories. You might not have a problem with your double chin complete with a subtle shine and too tight leather necklace that was a great fit ten years ago but we all need to get used to promoting our good angles. Remove the leather now if you can’t wedge a finger between it and your neck. Take your photo by holding the camera slightly above your face for an instant face lift.

Bedroom snaps - Don’t include your doona or sheets in the background if there are any unsightly stains in view. Also, a floral design suggests either you haven’t changed your doona since your wife left you or you are staying at your mums. Same goes for any type of china doll or lace curtains.