Photo Crimes in Online Profiles

It started off as an innocent peek behind the online curtains and suddenly I find myself a member of multiple online adult dating sites. From what I have figured behind my cloak and dagger, ‘members only, ask me first in case my nephew sees me photo’, it’s a very crowded curtain.

As a single parent of two young children, getting out and meeting people of the opposite sex is nigh on impossible. Trawling bars is now cost prohibitive, add on the cost of a taxi, the baby-sitter and possibly ending in a middle aged pash complete with detailed explanations of stretch marks, scars left over from major surgery and how you came to be single.

Every night with the kids tucked safely into bed, my mind implores me to paint, read, write, save the world, sponsor a child but no, I am vacuumed towards my sordid online inbox which I check too often to be healthy. I find myself staring at rather graphic images of people I’ve never met and whose body parts strike poses I didn’t know possible.

After viewing many dozens of men advertising their wares, I’ve got a pretty good heads up (pardon the pun) on what may help increase the odds of meeting a woman online or at least improving the chances of a positive response. Here goes;

Décor. Remove all visual reminders of the 80s. Any apricot leather couches or vertical blinds in the background of your photo should be removed immediately. If you must take your photo with a shoe rack in the background, remove any sign of moccasin, boat shoe and anything grey with Velcro or zips.

Recent Images. If you have lost more than 50% of your hair since you last uploaded your image, it would be fair to update it. Same goes if your weight has ballooned, you’ve gone grey or you’ve had an outbreak of psorisis.

Badly photoshopped ex partners. Leaving part of an arm around your shoulder looks unusual as does the fluorescent colouring in of who is clearly an ex girlfriend, wife or stripper. Take the time to take a new photo. No browny points are awarded for reminding people that you were once loved by someone with an enormous perm or four inch nail extensions.

Location. Photos taken in the bathroom mirror may seem like a good idea at the time however please remember to remove the wart cream, tinea powder and if pretending to be single, your partners cosmetics. A large flash obscuring the top half of your body looks like a David Copperfield trick gone wrong.

Under garments. You might think that the bulging red thong or stretched to capacity vaguely transparent underpants look sexy and they probably do in person but go for a nice tight pair of expensive black jocks.

Too much information. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to meet new people, but don’t announce that you are lonely, wanting to meet someone that can look after you, or that you are looking for someone that’s still lactating.

Intimate Photos. The old cliché that you don’t look at the mantle piece when you’re stoking the fire doesn’t quite translate to online dating. People like to know who they’re talking to and appreciate a rather honest depiction. Promoting yourself with a photo below the waist may cause an uncomfortable moment for all when you asked for a photo of your face and then awkwardly rejected for a suspicious reason like, actually I’m busy for the next year. If you do decide to send x rated snaps, best to check with your online dating site that it can’t be downloaded, otherwise next thing you know it’ll be forwarded 50 times from here to Botswana via Guatemala and end up in your ex’s inbox.

Spelling. Spelling errors are surprisingly common and can be a real romance killer. Make sure to avoid the following possibly costly mistakes, the wrong too / to, the wrong your, you’re, the wrong, there / their and definitely don’t use, shure, nakid, or sentences like, I like a lady that can leed me by the hand.

Mysterious background props. Standing in the spare room with a mattress leaning against the wall and some trousers thrown casually over the top poses more questions than it answers. Did you wet the bed? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Poses. Try to hold a confident pose in your photo, holding your hands like an alter boy awaiting confession or auditioning for the part of Kurt Von Trapp singing So Long Farewell doesn’t do much to inspire confidence.

Sunglasses - Loads of men like to wear sunnies in their photos, this is fine but I won’t meet a guy until I’ve seen his eyes. If you do decide to go down the sunnies route, don’t wear the ones that you bought five years ago from a 7/11 or a petrol station for $5.95 and have a pinkish reflector hue.

Attire. Wear a different outfit to your first date to the one you are wearing in your online profile snap. Do you only have one outfit? This isn’t Sunday school, you may need to invest in a few extra going out outfits.

Pet Names. So you haven’t had a date for a while, try not to call a woman gorgeous, spunky, or sexy until you’ve met her. That level of familiarity can be a bit spooky if used too soon. Some women may like it, best to ask first.

Accessories. You might not have a problem with your double chin complete with a subtle shine and too tight leather necklace that was a great fit ten years ago but we all need to get used to promoting our good angles. Remove the leather now if you can’t wedge a finger between it and your neck. Take your photo by holding the camera slightly above your face for an instant face lift.

Bedroom snaps - Don’t include your doona or sheets in the background if there are any unsightly stains in view. Also, a floral design suggests either you haven’t changed your doona since your wife left you or you are staying at your mums. Same goes for any type of china doll or lace curtains.